I believe there are special places in Hell so ingeniously terrible that the mere attempt to describe them immediately changes their intent, meaning & purpose both in the moment in which they are described as well as their entire history. The hint of the fact I wrote that previous statement means all Hell’s intent is literally breaking loose.
I believe that these places in Hell are set aside for only the most selfish, corrupt, nearsighted of whores. We’re not talking about the vanity found in Hollywood for I believe that Hollywood vanity is a simple allocation of Hell’s (I previously wrote Google. Freudian slip?) resources: put the average miscreant in a round room for eternity and tell them a signed contract is in the corner.
Oh, Hell, no. We’re talking a special place in Hell. The kind with unsolvable quadratic equations, beautiful paradoxes, Binaural beats of Bieber + Brooks, and lime trees whose fruit are always one day away from being picked. Or maybe a waiting line. Who the Hell knows.
This special kind of unassuming, burgeoning madness is set aside for child molesters, mass murderers and those who subscribe to social media news hacking.
What is [social media] News Hacking?
News hacking is an insidious wing of social media web spam dedicated to piggybacking off trending topics / keywords / hashtags and mixing them in with basic how-to / lead generation content in attempts to get quick, cheap leads from the trending news aggregators found in social media. They are often come with a huge-ass lead generation contact form or backlinks to their products.
A specific example of news hacking that set me afire was first noted by Douglas Karr. He was disgusted by the rampant use of social media news hacking muddying up his LinkedIn feed the day after Robin Williams died. An example he gave us,
“15 Ways to Run Your Business like Robin Williams”.
Presumably (aka if I were to ever be so evil) the article would then be keyword stuffed with examples of Robin Williams and their business and posted into linkedin searches throughout the day. They’re probably posted from fake accounts that have long-since been brewing in the system, building up good system karma, staying under the radar and pretending to be legitimate until such time as they’re needed. Play with a little Facebook fan page scheduled posts, Buffer & Hootsuite and you can syndicate that shit throughout the day to all kinds of social media platforms.
Props to DK for the awareness. Hell, I didn’t know that breed of Hellhound had a name until now. And, fuck no, I’m not linking to any of them, thought I did put a picture at the top of an example. The title “Robin Williams + {TITLE_OF_HIS_INHERENTLY_IRONICAL_SHITTY_BOOK}” and some reference that had nothing to do with Williams but of someone with whom Williams allegedly knew. If you really want to see it, contact me and I’ll find it, again.
The post comes complete with a link to the news hacker’s book.
Voila! Social Media News Hack.
Then he wipes his chin as he gets off on the cheap traffic pop.
Nope. Not giving him a backlink. Consider it your:
“Omnes relinquite spes, o vos intrantes”.
Now, for their eternal torture
Are you a news hacker? Are you in fear of the Holy retribution which will inevitable reign down upon you. Well, then, my friend. You’ve come to the right place. At Finn’s famous fantasy hacks, we provide the ten ways in which news hackers can avoid the oncoming, unrepentant damnation:
Step One: You dipshit. Didn’t you read?
There’s no list. That’s not how this is going to work. Blame Dante for coming up with guesses so close they had to rearrange the game plan. Blame the Spanish Inquisition for using second-hand devices hand-me-downed from the Devil himself during his more prominent “OT” days, back when this sort of shit was civilized. Blame Saddam Hussein for holding gunpoint elections to assure he stayed in power. Blame Cain for his temper tantrum. Blame Abel for not seeing it coming. Blame Hitler for being “a little overzealous” in his claims to the throne. Blame Napoleon – or, better yet, blame the French for cheering on Napoleon.
Blame your dog for dying. Blame your father for running away. Blame the dish for running away with the spoon. Blame whoever you want, there’s no checklist for the type of Hell you’ll endure. There’s no game tape. There’s no sketch, drawing, infographic to read. There’s no coin to flip. There’s no dice to roll. Those who choose to get a quick, cheap buck off the struggles and death of one who has been a muse to generations of civilians of this three-act play we call life get the works, with everything on it.
We hope it was worth it.
And remember to always carry sunscreen with you, you know, just in case. Oh, wait, you probably can’t even take it with you when it’s your turn.
